Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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