What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
