my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
