Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
