cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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