we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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