I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
