I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
