So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
