nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
