Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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