My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
