i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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