we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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