we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
