i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
