Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
