Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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