Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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