does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
