I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
