We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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