I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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