I cockslap morals
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
