Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
