Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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