I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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