I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
