I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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