dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
