Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
