I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
