i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
