Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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