I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
