You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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