I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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