I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
worst night to have a conscience
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
