you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
