My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
