It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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