why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
