I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
