I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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