I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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