Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Man, jail baloney is awful.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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