A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
this boner is exhausting
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
