My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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