I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize