Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
