im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
