I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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