you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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