I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
