so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
