new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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