It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
