U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
