i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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